I'm back.. I appreciate the concern. I'm really ok. I think it was a combination of self imposed standards and insecurity and midlife crisis.
I read the other day that life begins at 40, up until then it is all practice. Ha ha. Well now that I am (cough cough) 50! I would think that I would be better adapted after all of that practice. And left the old childhood insecurities behind. Um, not so much.
I just need to focus on being the best me that I can be. And not pay attention to the rest of the world..My wise friend and unpaid therapist asked me; why I impose different standards upon myself than I judge others by. Not sure. I appreciate and better like the uniqueness and creativity in others. But dislike my own creations. I like to have something mastered without going through the draft stages.
I have always been way over achieving in my goals. Thus setting myself up for grief and often failure. For example, years ago I decided I wanted to sew. What project do I tackle: plaid pants (yes, matching the plaid at the seams). I nearly drove myself nuts. I just can't seem to approach in a progressive manner. I always want to jump ahead.
I guess I just think big. And being the youngest, strive to out do. If you want to motivate me, just tell me that I can't do something. I'll show you! I may be part bulldog. Actually I'm the product of my German (stubborn perfectionist) mother and my Scottish (stubborn superior attitude perfectionist) father. I'm not sure which one I am more like. Trying to suppress both of them!
In the meantime, I am working on setting small achievable short term personal growth goals. I am exercising daily. Running three times a week. Reading more. Taking an online class (on The Walking Dead). And just trying to make the most of each day.
And spending more time thinking and doing for others.
