Sadness

March is over.  April is half gone.  Where does time go?  It really does dissolve like snow.

One of my bestest friends is in pain and I don't know how to help.  I know of her pain...it hasn't gone completely away.

I lost my mom when I was 25.  I was young, newly married, living out of state.  I was in denial.  We found out right before Easter, that year, she had Stage 4 lung cancer.  The by-product of heavy smoking since she was a teen (harder knowing she could have made better choices). She was going to fight.  She did radiation and chemo. She hated losing her independence.  She hated losing her hair even more.  She couldn't write (too shaky). She couldn't read (no memory).  She couldn't drive (seizures). But I still didn't think that she would leave before Christmas of that same year.  I was in shock.  I was completely numb and I didn't even know it. (as a side note: don't ever paint a room when you are numb. I guarantee you won't like the color later).

Twenty-six years later, I have been without her more years than I was with her. I'm still upset.  She barely met Cletus.  She never met the boys.  I never got to know her as an adult.  I wanted her back!  I have been cheated!  Then I had a dream.  She was back.  But still sick.  She was going to have to go through the radiation and chemo all over again, because I was selfish and wanted her back.  I guess I grew up that night and realized that some things you just can't change.

I still miss her...everyday.